"This was a weird day," Jimmy Kimmel said on Wednesday's Kimmel Live. "Donald Trump treated the media gathered in New York to a rambling, angry, jumbled, dishonest, and frequently incoherent hour-and-20-minute-long press conference." It was quite a performance, "like the craziest voicemail from your mom, ever," Kimmel said. "It was bananas. You know they say Rod Rosenstein wanted to tape him to show everyone he's nuts? Not necessary, he did it himself." Trump's rantings were so madcap, he added, "they could have easily have sold this thing to Netflix as a comedy special."
Kimmel played a string of highlights, breaking in with asides. Having a "very, very large brain," he noted, "is not a good thing. When your brain is swelling, it means you have CTE — it's common in the NFL." And he laughed at Trump's claim to hate being famous, saying whoever "put his name in such giant letters on these buildings ... owes him an apology, bigly."
Kimmel turned to the new sexual misconduct allegations against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, noting that "cowardly" Senate Republican men are hiding behind a "female assistant" — a Republican prosecutor from Arizona — to question one of Kavanaugh's accusers on Thursday. "Here's all you need to know," he said: "All three accusers want the FBI to investigate their claims; Republicans, Brett Kavanaugh, don't want the FBI to investigate. I wonder why that is." Trump is standing by his man, for now, but his tweet to "pray" for Kavanaugh caught Kimmel's attention.
"Do you think, is there any chance that Donald Trump has actually prayed for Brett Kavanaugh and his family?" Kimmel said. "Maybe we should ask God if Donald Trump is a ... God?" Kimmel's "God" looked a lot like Billy Crystal, and he had a list of things that Trump has (and hasn't) prayed for.
The Late Show was on the same wavelength about that Netflix special, but one "joke" really bombed. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert turned Trump's 'disturbingly inappropriate' Hurricane Florence comments into a children's book
President Trump visited North Carolina on Wednesday, after the waters of Hurricane Florence had subsided in some communities, and he had a lot of things to say about boats, telling the owner of one destroyed home that at least he "got a nice boat out of the deal," Stephen Colbert noted on Thursday's Late Show. "His comments are so disturbingly inappropriate relative to this tragedy, the only way we could make them remotely palatable is to turn them into a children's book. So gather round, kids, it's time to read a little book we at The Late Show put together called Whose Boat Is This Boat? Comments That Don't Help in the Aftermath of a Hurricane. Just a quick reminder, these are all actual things that he said to the storm-ravaged people." Also, the illustrations are actually pretty great. Watch below. Peter Weber
"For some reason, people with a hard-on for Democracy didn't like the president casually accusing his political opponents of treason," Trevor Noah said on Tuesday's Daily Show, referring to comments President Trump made about congressional Democrats on Monday. "Which is why the queen of comedy, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, came out to explain a thing or two."
Noah paraphrased Sanders, with a Valley Girl lilt: "Yeah, guys, lighten up, the president was just joking about treason — just like when he was joking about Obama helping ISIS, or when he joked about how the Russians should hack Hillary's emails, or my favorite joke, when he said police should rough-up people in custody." Look, Noah said, "those may not seem that funny, but maybe we just have to see Trump's jokes in the right setting."
Stand-up Trump with a laugh track is mildly more palatable than Authoritarian Autocrat Trump, but Seth Meyers had some more questions for Sanders on Tuesday's Late Show — and through the magic of television (or cutting and pasting), he and the Late Night press corps got their (mostly) unkind answers. Watch below. Peter Weber
White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson gave a rare press conference Tuesday to describe President Trump's annual physical, and it looks like we owe Trump's personal physician an apology for doubting that Trump is in excellent health, Trevor Noah said on Tuesday's Daily Show. "No heart problems, no dementia, no dentures — but did you test for racism?" he asked. "It turns out, according to the official White House doctor, Trump is completely sane. Which makes me more worried, because that means he's doing all of this s--t on purpose? You 'covfefe' in your normal mind?"
"To us, the non-experts, the only thing that looks healthy about Donald Trump is that he's shaped like a food pyramid," Noah said. "To say that his health is excellent, it's like medicine is gaslighting us now." But Jackson had an explanation: good genes. "Look, to be honest, I'm not really surprised," Noah said. "Donald Trump has dictator blood. We're used to this in Africa and other places in the world: Castro, Mugabe, the queen — we're all shocked at how long they live." He imagined the talk Trump will give to the cockroaches after the nuclear apocalypse.
On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert was impressed with Jackson's diagnosis of Trump's cardio health. "So despite all evidence, Donald Trump does have a heart," he joked. And, according to the federal body mass index, he's one pound shy of being obese. "One pound?" Colbert asked, tiptoeing toward "girtherism." "That's awfully convenient."
Jackson "says he has no concern about the president's cognitive ability — which makes one of us," Jimmy Kimmel marveled on Kimmel Live, "and despite the fact that he is borderline obese, Trump is in excellent health. How can he be in excellent health? When he sneezes, gravy comes out...." He ended with a re-enactment of Jackson's press conference, only with a horror-like twist at the end inspired by Trump's anti-baldness medication. Watch below. Peter Weber