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May 18, 2018

"Today is the one-year anniversary of Collusiapallooza," Jimmy Kimmel said on Thursday's Kimmel Live, "and our president had a special message on Twitter this morning to celebrate that fact," congratulating America on entering "the second year of the greatest Witch Hunt in American History." "Congrats to you, too, old pal, we've come a long way," Kimmel said. "When he started with 'Congratulations America,' I was hoping he would end with 'I quit,' but no."

"It was a big day — Robert Mueller had a bouquet of long-stem subpoenas delivered to the White House," Kimmel said, but his own present was a reel of Trump saying "witch hunt" in a surprising variety of public settings.

Trump's personal lawyer is also in the news, facing new allegations that he solicited a $1 million bribe from Qatar — unsuccessfully. "Michael Cohen's like the human version of every failed product on Shark Tank — he's the worst!" Kimmel said. "I mean, who does that kind of thing?" (Guillermo.)

On Late Night, Seth Meyers dug into some other things Cohen has been up to (allegedly), Rudy Giuliani's various face-plants, and other news from the fire hose we're all drinking from. "Can I just say, whenever they make a movie about all this, it is gonna suck," he said, "because it will never be as crazy as the real thing." Watch below for the Cops homage. Peter Weber

May 18, 2018

Thursday marked the one-year anniversary of Special Counsel Robert Mueller's Trump-Russia investigation, and The Late Show had a gift idea.

Stephen Colbert said his "happy one-year anniversary of the Mueller investigation" present was this monologue, but "the Senate gave us all something big yesterday," 2,500 pages of testimony about that June 9, 2016, Trump Tower meeting between Donald Trump Jr., other top Trump campaign officials, and Russians promising dirt on Hillary Clinton.

President Trump and his eldest son have both insisted the president did not know about the now-infamous meeting, Colbert said, "but the transcript of his testimony shows that after Don Jr. set up this meeting, with help from a Russian oligarch's son — as you do when you're not colluding — he immediately made a four-minute mystery call to a blocked number, and earlier testimony revealed that candidate Trump's primary residence has a blocked number." Don Jr. told the Senate he couldn't recall who he'd called. "Sure," Colbert said, "he could have been speaking to anybody between two calls to a Russian oligarch's son planning to collude with the Russian government. 'Hello, Dominos? You'll never guess who has dirt on Hillary Clinton.'"

"Prior to these transcripts coming out, the Trump team had planned to use this anniversary as a turning point in their campaign to end Mueller's probe," Colbert said. The man tasked with that job, Rudy Giuliani, didn't convince Colbert, but Colbert conceded that Giuliani did have a point about Mueller being unable to indict Trump. "The Justice Department has held they can't indict a sitting president since the Nixon administration, and that was reaffirmed in the Clinton administration," he said. "Yes, our two most innocent presidents. 'I am not a crook!' and 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman' has now become 'I am a crook, and I did have sexual relations with that woman, and you can suck it!' I'm paraphrasing." Watch below. Peter Weber

May 17, 2018

On Wednesday night, Stephen Colbert wished a happy first birthday to Special Counsel Robert Mueller's investigation of President Trump and Russian collusion. "The first anniversary is traditionally the paper anniversary, and with any luck that is what Mueller is going to be serving Donald Trump with," he joked on The Late Show. He ran down some ways Trump is apparently "freaking out" about the investigation, including complaining about the FBI at least 20 times a day, lashing out in aggrieved anger, and pining for better "TV lawyers," a notion Colbert had a little fun with.

But while Trump fumes, some Trump aides are "quietly launching his re-election campaign," Colbert said, puzzled. "Why would you launch it quietly? Don't you want people to know? That's like quietly launching a search party." He had some other thoughts on Trump's nascent re-election effort, including a pretty good imitation of dial-up internet.

The White House still hasn't apologized for a staffer's inappropriately macabre comment on Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), so The Late Show offered some trollish ideas for White House apology cards.

And speaking of trolls, Colbert was pretty skeptical of Twitter's new rules to quash uncivil tweets, and a little jazzed about prom season. "That means young love, stretch limousines, and controversy," he said, focusing on the Miami high school that had a live caged tiger at the big dance. "Bringing a live tiger to prom? The only way that could be more Florida is if a shirtless guy rode it into the Taco Bell drive-thru." And he had some questions: "Was it there with a date? Did it do a promposal, with a sign: 'Hey Karen, I may be a tiger but I ain't lyin' when I say I want to go to prom with you — then eat you.'" Watch below. Peter Weber

May 3, 2018

President Trump's mustachioed White House lawyer Ty Cobb is stepping down at the end of the month. "He plans to spend more time with his family — of talking mice who live in his magical clockwork mansion," Stephen Colbert joked on Wednesday's Late Show. "And Trump has already found a replacement for Cobb," Emmet Flood, most famous for representing Bill Clinton during his impeachment proceedings. Colbert raised an eyebrow and assumed Trump voice: "The crooked Clintons are the most corrupt people in the world — get me their lawyer."

Leaving Trump's employ is "a blessing" for Cobb, but "I'm sorry to say that Cobb is leaving," Colbert added, having one last go at elaborate descriptors for Cobb. "In honor of my favorite lawyer in the whole Trumpiverse, we're going to send his mustache to the rafters via hot air ballon," he said, and did.

And in case you didn't get enough of Trump's various ways of introducing Cobb, The Late Show lovingly rounded them up. Watch below. Peter Weber

May 2, 2018

On Monday night, The New York Times printed a list of 49 questions Special Counsel Robert Mueller wants to ask President Trump. On Tuesday's Late Show, Stephen Colbert protested. "Oh come on, don't print them! If Trump sees the questions in advance, he'll cheat." Trump's lawyers wrote the question based on information from Mueller, and Trump says he's furious that the questions leaked, blaming it on Mueller's team. That's unlikely, given the grammatical errors in the questions, among other clues, as a former Mueller aide pointed out to CNN.

Colbert read through Trump's angry tweets, with commentary, then said that he's looked over "the 49 questions that Mueller has for Trump, and they barely scratch the surface of what I want to know. So I'd like to submit some additional questions for Mueller to ask the president." One of them involves math.

On Late Night, Seth Meyers said that Trump likely has some questions for Mueller, too, and he listed some. Like: "If I catch Jeff Sessions, do I get to keep his pot of gold?"

At The Opposition, Jordan Klepper — like Sean Hannity, except joking — was incensed. "I always knew Mueller would come for Trump with knives," he said. "And by knives, I mean questions that were shared in advance with his legal team as a courtesy." And none of the questions "are multiple choice, true or false, or click on all of the pictures that include a car questions," he added. "This is totally unfair — you can't ask Trump open-ended questions. Fox & Friends asked him what he got Melania for her birthday, and he talked for 30 minutes. And the answer was 'nothing.'" Watch below. Peter Weber

April 18, 2018

Lawyers for President Trump and his lawyer/fixer, Michael Cohen, were in court Monday, asking a federal judge to let them see files the FBI seized from Cohen before federal prosecutors get a chance. "And the judge said, and I quote, 'Heh heh no,'" Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show. "Cohen is in all sorts of shady dealings — Shady Dealings, by the way, the next porn star," allegedly, Colbert said, and sources say that even Trump and people at the Trump Organization don't really know about all of Cohen's deals.

Porn star Stormy Daniels, who was also at Monday's court hearing, released a sketch on Tuesday of the man she says threatened her to keep quiet about her purported affair with Trump. "There he is, the man who threatened her," Colbert said, showing the sketch: "The love child of Willem Dafoe, Tom Brady, and Bon Jovi." He even had some video of the guy.

Kendrick Lamar's Pulitzer for his rap opus Damn "is a really big deal, because it's the first non-classical, non-jazz Pulitzer Prize winner in history," Colbert said. "So it's official: Rap is dead. It's now going to be destroyed by college poetry professors with the elbow patches." That led to that Wu-Tang Clan album that pharma bro Martin Shkreli bought the only copy of for $2 million.

"Unfortunately, Shkreli came down with an acute case of goingtojail, so he was forced to turn the album over to the Department of Justice, which means that, believe it or not, the forfeited Wu-Tang album is now in Jeff Sessions' hands," Colbert said. "He could be staring at the album cover right now, trying to figure out how there are nine black men he hasn't put in jail yet." He brought out his Keebler-sized Sessions to ask him what he plans to do with the album, but Method Man and Ghostface Killah had other plans. Watch below. Peter Weber

April 12, 2018

"There is just so much meat on the news bone today that I don't know where to start carving," Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show. He started with President Trump — and specifically, Trump's continued fuming and raging about the FBI raid on his lawyer/fixer Michael Cohen and Special Counsel Robert Mueller's investigation. He quoted one Trump friend who told Vanity Fair he could see Trump melting down and saying: "'F--k it, I'm firing all of them.' ... This is very dry tinder. If someone strikes a match to it, you could see it catching fire." "Dry Tinder, by the way, is how Mike Pence met his wife," Colbert joked. "It's the only dating app with a 100 percent no-moisture-exchange guarantee."

He read Trump's morning tweetstorm railing against the Mueller probe, then offered "some free legal advice: When you're under investigation for obstruction of justice, don't tweet, 'No Collusion or Obstruction (other than I fight back).' Fighting back is the 'obstruction' part." Still, "unhinged Twitter rants are not how you respond to a federal investigation, it's how you escalate a global military conflict," Colbert said, reading Trump's hot-and-cold tweets about lobbing missiles at Syria and Russia. "Threats, muscle-flexing, macho nicknames — Trump is finally bringing his background in pro wrestling to our foreign policy," he said, introducing a new WWE star, El Trumpo Loco.

On Kimmel Live, Jimmy Kimmel recounted the greatest story about Cohen trying to "fix" something for Trump: threatening a movie producer for passing over Trump for the role of president in Sharknado 3. Regarding Mueller, "firing the person who is leading an investigation of you and your campaign is something members of both parties agree would be a bigly mistake," he said, "but here's the thing: Trump isn't listening to senators, not even senators from his own party." Kimmel played a montage of Trump's real advisers — Fox News talking heads, most of whom are urging him to fire Mueller. Watch. Peter Weber

April 11, 2018

Nearly half the Senate gathered to interrogate Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg on Tuesday, and "they clustered around him like ... senators around a billionaire," Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show. "Here's our full coverage: Nerds are awkward, old people don't know how the internet works." With that, he returned to a juicer subject: Monday's raid on President Trump's attorney and fixer.

"Now a lot of people are expecting me to celebrate just because this is devastating to Donald Trump, but we're not going to be dropping a bunch of Michael Cohen confetti tonight — because the FBI got all of his papers before he could shred them," Colbert said. The FBI took everything — computer, phone, and documents, including those related to Cohen's $130,000 payment to porn star Stormy Daniels. "In this case, the FBI actually does stand for Female Body Inspector," he quipped.

"When Trump found out about this, he was pretty upset," and after ranting to reporters about the "disgraceful" raid, calling it an attack on America, and claiming the FBI "broke in" to Cohen's office, Trump tweeted about a "TOTAL WITCH HUNT!!!" Monday morning, Colbert said. "Here's the thing: The Cohen raid was planned, approved, and re-approved by multiple actual Trump appointees."

"You can actually tell how upset Trump is based on the way he tweets the words 'witch hunt,'" Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live, from late February's "WITCH HUNT!" to Tuesday morning's "TOTAL WITCH HUNT!!!" But the phrase does have a certain appeal, he added "I think 'witch hunt' could be the new MAGA" — and he had the red trucker hat to prove it. But Trump also tweeted that "attorney-client privilege is dead," a word Trump loves to tweet around, Kimmel noted. "No one pronounces more things 'dead' than Donald Trump. When he gets impeached, he's gonna run for the county coroner's office just so he can pronounce things dead every day." Watch below. Peter Weber

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