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October 12, 2017

President Trump's "inexplicable battle with Puerto Rico rages on," with Trump firing off a trio of tweets early Thursday morning blaming Puerto Rico for its post-hurricane mess and warning that the federal government won't be there to help them "forever," Jimmy Kimmel noted on Thursday's Kimmel Live. "Okay, but it's been three weeks. He has hemorrhoids that last longer than that." He said he wasn't sure what Trump has against Puerto Rico, but rather than just cracking wry jokes, he started brainstorming solutions.

"I feel like the only way to get Donald Trump to care about what's happening there is to add a hot Puerto Rican anchor lady to Fox & Friends — that might do it," Kimmel suggested. "It's especially crazy that this is the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up." In fact, he does "most of his angry tweeting" in the early morning, Kimmel said, "and I think I have a plan to maybe put a dent in that, because it's dangerous." His plan involves some sacrifice — at least by America's children — but Kimmel was unmoved. "Sorry kids, but your country needs these," he said. Watch below. Peter Weber

October 4, 2017

"Two weeks ago, Puerto Rico was devastated by a Category 5 hurricane," Trevor Noah said on Tuesday's Daily Show, "and today, President Trump went to the island to finish them off." He showed Trump throwing rolls of paper towels to Puerto Ricans, and winced. "I know Trump doesn't care about Puerto Rico, but at least act like you do," Noah said. "If you think that was bad, later on he donated food by dragging steak through a village."

"You have to admit though, man, this guy knows how to bring the party, because look at the people there: They're having fun," Noah said. "I don't care who you are or how mad you are at Trump, it's almost like when he shows up you get sucked into the world of good times. He's like one of those guys they hire to get things started at a bar mitzvah."

Stephen Colbert was less impressed with Trump's fun-making, noting on The Late Show that Trump also "addressed the devastation this hurricane caused to him," telling the U.S. territory that it has "thrown our budget a little out of whack." "What?" Colbert said. "That's like a fireman rescuing you from a burning building and then saying, 'You do understand what our water bill's going to be now, right? Do you have any idea how many sexy calendars we're going to have to sell just to pay for this?'"

Colbert was also stunned at Trump's amazement that someone would actually use water-purification tablets. "Yes, she'd drink it, because it's the only water she has," he said. "Just like she's only talking to you because you're the only president we got."

On Late Night, Seth Meyers was left uncharacteristically speechless. Watch below. Peter Weber

October 3, 2017

All the late-night comedy hosts began Monday's shows with thoughts on Sunday night's mass murder in Las Vegas, but many of them also had something to say about President Trump's "asymmetrical tweet assault against the mayor of San Juan, Puerto Rico, Carmen Yulín Cruz," as Stephen Colbert put in on The Late Show. After acting Homeland Security Secretary Elaine Duke called the federal relief effort in Puerto Rico a "good news story," Cruz responded with a critique that did not mention Trump, and Trump "took it very personally," Colbert said. He read some tweets of Trump "blaming the victim" and accusing Puerto Ricans of wanting everything done for them. "Keep in mind, this is a man who literally has a button on his desk that he pushes and a butler brings him a Coke," he said. He shook his head that Trump dedicated a golf trophy to Puerto Rico, presented Trump with his own trophy, and ended with a satirically pro-Trump Real News Tonight report.

On The Daily Show, Trevor Noah was similarly baffled that "a man who's spent 71 days of his presidency at a golf course" would call the "hurricane-ravaged people of Puerto Rico" lazy. He also shook his head at that golf trophy, though he suggested that "in Trump's mind, that made sense, right? He was, like, 'This weekend both the golfers and Puerto Rico had to deal with water hazards.'" And Noah pointed to the angry tweet from Lin-Manuel Miranda, who's actually "like the nicest person you will ever meet in your life."

On Late Night, Seth Meyers had another Puerto Rican, staff writer Jenny Hagel, explain what "nasty" would look like in Puerto Rico and delivered some untranslated insults. Meyers contrasted Trump's tweets with the GOP's proposed tax cuts for the rich and failure to renew health care for 9 million children. Watch below. Peter Weber