Late Night Tackles President Trump
August 16, 2019

Stephen Colbert began Thursday's Late Show monologue with "a fun story" for his audience. "There is a petition currently circulating here in New York City to rename the stretch of Fifth Avenue between 56th and 57th Streets 'President Barack Obama Avenue,'" he said. "To make the honor complete, whenever a car tries to turn left it will be blocked by Mitch McConnell." That stretch of Fifth Avenue, not coincidentally, contains Trump Tower, and if the petition is successful, President Trump's home address will be 725 President Barack H. Obama Ave.

"This is the difference between trolls on the left and trolls on the right," Colbert said. "One harasses Chris Cuomo at dinner, the other is like, 'We are submitting a formal request through the proper channels at City Council, we'll see you in 14 months — you've been petish'd!'"

But the big story this week is the economy, the stock market currently "swinging like a tetherball in a typhoon" due to fears of a recession, Colbert said. Trump is already blaming "the news media" for trying to "crash the economy," he noted, laughing at the idea that "this is all a plot by those masters of economic strategy: newspapers!"

"Trump's economic policies have only benefited the elite few to begin with, and now that a recession seems like it might be on the horizon, he's freaking out," Seth Meyers said at Late Night. "Because for two years, he's be able to coast on the economic tide left by Obama while ignoring the growing wealth gap, massive inequality, or the shuttering factories in states he promised to rescue." Trump loves to brag about the stock market, which is actually underperforming versus Obama, he said, but "more importantly, the stock market is not the whole economy. In fact, most working people aren't really invested in the stock market; it's mostly just a sign of how the wealthy few are faring." Watch below. Peter Weber

August 14, 2019

It's only Tuesday, and President Trump's already had a full week, Stephen Colbert grimaced on Tuesday's Late Show. "Monday, the Trump administration finalized plans to weaken the Endangered Species Act" and announced that "starting in October, poor immigrants will be denied permanent legal status if they are deemed likely to use government benefit programs. Really? Because I know of at least one immigrant lady who lives in really nice public housing and pretty much only works on Christmas."

Trump defended that policy Tuesday at his golf club in New Jersey, yelling in front of Marine One that he doesn't think it's fair for U.S. taxpayers to "pay for people to come into the United States." Yes, "American taxpayers should only cover the important stuff, like my helicopter rides to and from the golf," Colbert added in Trump voice.

Trump was actually heading to an official speech at a fracking-plastic facility in Pennsylvania. "Trump's speech was really frackin' long, and he made sure to hit a very important campaign message: Truck go vroom-vroom," Colbert said, showing the clip of Trump proclaiming his love for trucks, reminiscing that he's loved trucks since age 4, and nothing had changed. "Yes, nothing changes — nothing changes at all," he added in Trump character. "Emotionally, I'm still 4. I love trucks."

If Trump loves trucks — and he genuinely appears to — he's sure hurting truckers, Seth Meyers said at Late Night. Trump "promised that America's truckers would prosper under his administration," but he's "actually made things worse for many truckers." Trump sold his tax law "as a huge tax break specifically for truck drivers," for example, but it actually hit them hard financially, he said. "It's so bad, a lot of them can't even afford clothing for the women on their mud flaps."

"Truckers are also hurting because of Trump's trade wars and tariffs," Meyers said, and "one of the few policies Trump enacted that trucking industry lobbyists actually pushed for is one that arguably puts everyone else on the road in danger." Watch below. Peter Weber

August 9, 2019

"President Trump spent yesterday visiting Dayton and El Paso to offer comfort to those communities in their time of grief, then last night, Trump posted a video montage of his trip," James Corden said on Thursday's Late Late Show. He played part of the official White House video. "Trump edited the footage of his trip like it was an Avengers: Endgame trailer!" he said. "After watching that, surely now we can impeach him. Surely, that is enough."

"Trump's supposed to be consoling people in a hospital!" Corden said. "And I think we all know nothing says 'I'm sorry for your loss' quite like the double thumbs-up."

Yes, somehow, once again, Trump "managed to make what should have been a day about others all about him," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "Shortly after the White House press secretary told reporters this visit is about the victims and their families, this is not a photo op, Trump tweeted a video," which Kimmel also played, swearing he didn't alter it. "It looks like he's Batman or something! Can someone please check his brain fluid next time he's in the hospital? I think it might need to be topped off a little."

"Then in El Paso, he stopped to chat with the hospital staff, and guess who was the topic of conversation this time around?" Kimmel asked, playing cellphone footage of Trump talking about the size of his crowd at a February rally. "By the way, that speech he's bragging about? He still owes the city of El Paso more than $500,000 for expenses there."

"A local television station released video today showing President Trump bragging about the crowd size at his rallies while talking to medical staff treating victims of the El Paso shooting," Seth Meyers said at Late Night. "Said one doctor, 'That's very interesting — have I shown you our psych ward?'" Watch below. Peter Weber

August 7, 2019

"You know, Donald Trump gets a lot wrong, but he outdid himself today," Jimmy Kimmel said on Tuesday's Kimmel Live. "Today he became the first president of the United States ever to misspell his own name," tweeting that Google "boosted negative stories on Donald Ttump." Kimmel laughed and suggested this is what happens when your thumbs are covered in dipping sauce. "But how can you misspell your name when it's on your building, it's on your golf courses, it's on your vodka, your water, all the casinos you bankrupted — it's everywhere!" he said.

If Sarah Huckabee Sanders were still press secretary, Kimmel speculated, "she would be out on the White House lawn shouting that his name is and always has been Donald Ttump, and we just were too Fake News to know it."

"I can't believe this hadn't happened already, but in a tweet this morning, Trump misspelled his own name," Jimmy Fallon said at The Tonight Show. "Donald Ttump — when Don Jr. saw that, he was like, 'I can't believe I've been spelling it wrong this whole time!'" And when staffers told the president he'd misspelled his name, Fallon added, "he tweeted this: 'Sorry, I meant to say Ddnald Ttump.'"

"I wasn't sure who 'Donald Ttump' was, so I googled him, and it said he was a ttorible tacist who shouldn't be ptesident," Stephen Colbert joked at The Late Show. And that wasn't even Trump's only Google-related typo — he also tweeted Tuesday that Google wants to "make sure Trump losses," Colbert said, and he ran with it, in Trump voice: "Google does terrible things to me — they want me to loss, but I'm no losser, I'm going to wine, because I've always been a whiner. We're going to whine so much you're going to get sick of all the whining." Watch below. Peter Weber

July 30, 2019

Advocates of ensuring lifetime heath care for the first responders on Sept. 11, 2001, have been working for years to get Congress to fund the benefit. "It was a no-brainer, and eventually they got Congress to wrap their no-brains around it," Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show. "Today, Donald Trump held a ceremony in the Rose Garden to sign the bill — it was a good thing done by a terrible person, like when Vlad the Impaler would give each of his victims a Starbucks gift card."

"Like he has in other recent speeches, Trump had a hard time making the word sounds," Colbert said, but when he got his pronunciation under control, "Trump told the first responders he didn't only stand with them now, he also stood with them then." Literally. "Trump can't help but insert himself into everything," he said, breaking out his Trump impersonation: "I just watched Endgame, great movie, the Iron Man and the fat Thor, and I was there, too. I don't consider myself an Avenger, because I was rooting for Thanos — he had some good ideas."

"To stand there, to claim that while you're not a first responder, you were down there with them after 9/11, has got to be the worst thing I've ever heard — if he hadn't already said this," Colbert said, playing a clip from 2016 and resuming his Trump voice: "Yes, I helped out a little bit on 7/11. Of course, that was in July so things were fine. So, so glad I wasn't there on 9/11, I hear it was not good." Watch below. Peter Weber

July 26, 2019

President Trump spoke to teenagers this week at a conference organized by the conservative group Turning Point USA, but "it turns out, Trump delivered his speech in front of a fake presidential seal," Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show. "Let's look at this thing: The eagle has two heads instead of one — which might look familiar because that's the Russian coat of arms — and the eagle's left talons, rather than 13 arrows, it's holding a set of golf clubs; and in the right talons, rather than an olive branch, it's holding a wad of cash. And in the place where the president should have been, there was an orange doofus."

"I love that Trump walked into a room full of teenagers and got trolled that hard," Colbert said. But it turns out, according to Turning Point USA, "this wasn't a practical joke by the teens, it was just pure uncut stupid by his staff." (The creator of the parody seal begs to differ.)

"That's quite a mistake!" Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "I don't know how you don't notice the eagle is holding golf clubs, but of course Donald Trump didn't. Donald Trump can barely tell the difference between Eric and Donald Jr." Kimmel also raised his eyebrows at Trump lashing out at Sweden — twice! — for charging rapper A$AP Rocky with assault. "He definitely thinks they're holding Sylvester Stallone, right?" he joked, before explaining that A$AP Rocky advocate Kim Kardashian was in the White House this morning.

Kimmel also tried to figure out what is going on with Rudy Giuliani's new magenta hair job. "He's got clown hair now!" he said, showing the evolution of Giuliani's hair from 1980s combover to his new purple look. "It looks like he was eating pancakes and he fell asleep in a puddle of boysenberry syrup," Kimmel said. "Who lets him go on TV like that?" Watch below. Peter Weber

July 23, 2019

"Today we got a disturbing reminder" of what it means that Donald Trump is president, Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show, when Trump told Pakistan's prime minister he could win a war in Afghanistan in a week, but he'd kill 10 million people and "Afghanistan would be wiped off the face of the Earth." Yeah, "where's my Nobel Peace Prize?" Colbert added in Trump voice, after showing the clip. "Or at least my Nobel I-Could-Have-Killed-10-Million-People-But-I-Didn't Prize."

Trump also bragged about how he's "the best thing" that's ever happened to protest-fueled Puerto Rico. "Excuse me, 'the best thing'?" Colbert protested. "I've got two words for you: Ricky Martin. You, sir, are living La Vida Loca." He tied it back to Afghanistan with Trump's comment he could probably land a plane on America's new aircraft carrier. Watch below. Peter Weber

June 20, 2019

Many people said the atmosphere at President Trump's Tuesday night re-election kickoff rally in Orlando "was like a music festival, and it was like a musical festival, specifically the Fyre Festival," Jimmy Kimmel said on Wednesday's Kimmel Live. "Trump was on fire — or at least his pants were. He jumped around from lie to lie, from hot topic to hot topic, like Joy Behar on Adderall." Kimmel quickly ran through some of Trump's bigger "whoppers" and laughed at Trump's big plans. "This would be a lot of scientific progress from a guy who stared directly into a solar eclipse," he said. "Why even bother curing cancer? Why not just deny that cancer exists, like you do everything else?"

Kimmel showed the empty, trash-strewn field where Trump's fans were supposed to have been watching his rally on a big screen. "That was the prefect visual metaphor for the Trump presidency," he said. "All that was missing is Ted Nugent shooting beer koozies with a crossbow." Kimmel threw in a new fake hair product line to highlight all the information former Trump aide Hope Hicks didn't tell a House panel on Wednesday,

"As the hearings related to the Russia investigation and obstruction ramp up, Republicans in the House have come up with a list of words they don't want Democrats to use when describing the president — for real," Kimmel said, showing the list of "no-no words." House Republicans say the words "violate longstanding congressional rules, words like 'crook,' 'con man,' 'corruption,' demagogue,' 'draft dodger,' 'misogynist,' 'racists,' 'sexual...' — basically, they don't want them to call him anything he is," Kimmel said, and to understand why, he spoke with a fictional Republican congressman, played by Fred Willard, who had some real information and a lot of no-no words. Watch below. Peter Weber

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