This Valentine's Day, you could do worse than making a moving tribute to your true love as realistic and heartfelt as this mashed-up White House valentine video The Late Show put together, using President Trump's own words to convey his love for various people and places, but one person in particular. First lady Melania Trump is also in the video. And the Utah joke is brutal. Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert and John Oliver go deep, laugh at Trump's military parade, eagerness to face Mueller
President Trump's latest idiotic idea is a military parade in Washington, D.C., Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show. "All right, check your cards — who has Dictator Bingo?!?" Colbert explained why, historically and symbolically, America doesn't do military parades, then rolled his eyes at Trump getting his idea from France: "He knows Bastille Day is about poor people chopping off rich people's heads, right?"
Trump reportedly wants to ignore his lawyers and testify before Special Counsel Robert Mueller, because he's an expert at testifying under oath, having been taken to court some 1,300 times, Colbert said. And — as he did Wednesday — he encouraged Trump to do it, using chicken-related props.
Colbert asked his guest, John Oliver, what he thought about Trump's parade idea, and Oliver put Trump on the couch. "I will say this — it won't make him happy," he said. "Whatever this presidency is about — the search for a lost father's love, trying to fill a void with something tangible — that parade is going to go past him." And when Trump realizes this, Oliver said, he might do something even stupider to fill that hole, "whereas he can't — he's an emotional vacuum and he'll die that way."
They joked about France, and Colbert said "the ceremonial aspect of being president is what [Trump] thought the entire job was." Oliver agreed: "He's going to watch the royal wedding and think, 'I want one of those. Sorry, Melania, it's time.'"
Oliver had some jovially irreverent things to say about the royal family and royal weddings, then Colbert asked about Trump's Mueller interview. "I don't doubt that he wants to talk, but he's going to have to physically get through his lawyers first," Oliver said. "He's going to have to eat his way through their hands over his mouth. ... He would perjure himself before he finished his name." Colbert reiterated that he thinks Trump should do it (wink wink), and Oliver caught on. Watch below. Peter Weber
If you haven't seen "the video of President Trump's hair flapping in the wind ... you're in for a bigly treat," Jimmy Kimmel said on Wednesday's Kimmel Live, playing the video (twice). "Now the red hats make sense," he joked. "This is why Darth Vader had the good sense to wear a helmet. According to White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders, the president's hair stayed perfectly still, he does not have a bald spot, and anything to the contrary is fake news." (She didn't say that.)
Kimmel then recounted an odd attack Trump made during the campaign against windmill farms. "Now we know why he's anti-wind!" he said. "He says that it's because of the birds, but he doesn't care about birds — the guy eats Kentucky Fried Chicken twice a week!"
But Kimmel wasn't there just to poke fun at Trump's coiffure. "I was so taken by this video, we decided to go around town today to ask real hairstyling professionals what they think is going on on our president's head," he said. Most of the coiffeurs had less-than-constructive criticism of Trump's hairstyle malfunction, but Wilbert at Fade University had a solution that Trump may want to try out before future encounters with the elements. Peter Weber
The Daily Show created a fake dictator awards show to see where Trump and his military parade stack up
President Trump has ordered the Pentagon to draw up plans for a big military parade through Washington, and like a lot of people, Trevor Noah isn't impressed. "America doesn't need a big parade to convince the world that it has a military," he said on Wednesday's Daily Show. "Trust me, the world knows America has a military — it's in their countries right now." Still, while "Trump is really excited about getting to play with the Army like they're his G.I. Joes, luckily, most people are adults," even some you might not expect, he added. "You know it's bad when even Fox News thinks this is a waste of money."
But it isn't just the wasted money — aside from France, military parades are typically associated with authoritarian regimes like China, North Korea, and Russia. "Now look, a military parade on its own doesn't mean that Trump is gonna be a dictator," Noah said. "But it's when you look at everything else that your Spidey sense starts to tingle." He ran through Trump's politicization of the FBI, giving top White House jobs to his own kids — "sure, those are his smartest kids, but who's their competition?" — and his frequently stated admiration for strongmen like Saddam Hussein, Vladimir Putin, and Rodrigo Duterte, among others.
"In the world of authoritarians, many people are now asking, 'Where does Trump fit in?'" Noah asked. "I mean, I know he aspires to them, but does he measure up?" The Daily Show mocked up a recap of the Oppressey Awards, to honor "achievements in the autocratic arts," with Noah hosting, and Trump didn't come away totally empty-handed. Noah ended on a dark note: "I guess Trump isn't quite there yet, but good news: There's always next year."
The Late Show also went toward the gallows humor in its envisioning of Trump's big military extravaganza. ("Poking sticks"?) You can watch that below. Peter Weber
"Remember when Donald Trump told us we'd be tired of winning?" Stephen Colbert asked on Monday's Late Show. "Well, evidently, the stock market is exhausted. Because after losing 666 points on Friday, Monday said, 'Hold my beer.'" The Dow has erased its gains for the entire year, he said, but that just makes it like the rest of us: "It spent January working on improving itself, then in February said 'F--k it.'" Coincidentally, "this afternoon, Trump was in Cincinnati, where he spoke to factory workers about how great the economy's doing," Colbert noted. "And when he started, that was still true."
But Trump didn't just brag about how he doesn't brag about the great economy — he also glibly accused Democrats of "treason" for not clapping enough at the State of the Union speech, Colbert said, unpersuaded. "Yeah, not clapping for you isn't treason. But don't worry, Mr. President, you could find out the exact definition of treason pretty soon." He also razzed House Speaker Paul Ryan for (briefly) bragging on Saturday about a woman who was surprised she's getting an extra $1.50 a week from the GOP tax law. "Cool!" Colbert said. "Now she's just one historic tax cut away from a bus pass." He wasn't finished. Watch below. Peter Weber
For the first time that anyone can remember, the first lady traveled to the State of the Union without the president, Stephen Colbert noted on Wednesday's Late Show. "So the state of our union is strong. The state of their union? It's complicated." He ran through some of the scuttlebutt about Melania Trump's white pantsuit, and her possible anger stemming from President Trump's alleged affair and hush-money payout to Stormy Daniels. "Apparently, the reports of a payoff blindsided the first lady," Colbert said, quoting The New York Times. "Not the sex, the payoff. He never pays anyone."
The first lady also bowed out of Trump's trip to Davos at the last minute, citing "scheduling and logistical issues," fueling speculation of discord. "Of course, scheduling issues — she couldn't go with him because hell hadn't frozen over yet," Colbert joked. Instead she flew to Mar-a-Lago and relaxed at the spa. "She got a Japanese massage, I think it's called shehatesyou," he said. "So, is Melania Trump at the end of her rope? Let's go straight to the source" — in this case The Late Show's Melania Trump stand-in, Laura Benanti.
The Late Show's Melania told Colbert about her outfit, her anniversary presents, why the rumors of Trump's infidelity are "fake news," and how she was "glued to her seat" during Trump's State of the Union speech. "I cannot wait to vote in next presidential election," she said. "For your husband?" Colbert asked. "Oh, of course — unless I have scheduling and logistical issues," she replied. Watch below. Peter Weber
The Late Show will be live on Tuesday night, after President Trump's first State of the Union address, "to confirm that yes, he actually did say that," Stephen Colbert joked on Monday's show. Trump may have given us a preview of his speech in Davos on Friday, though he got some lusty boos for criticizing the press. "Sir, you have to know your audience," Colbert said. "It's Europe — freedom of the press is still in vogue over there. You might as well have insulted soft cheese and nut-hugger jeans."
The point, Colbert said, is that it will be hard for Trump to bring the country together, given his "increasingly cartoonish" behavior. That was the setup for an interview with Cartoon President Trump, the Late Show bit that has been spun into a Showtime series. Cartoon Trump had a concise but realistic preview of Trump's State of the Union speech, and Colbert had some questions about Special Counsel Robert Mueller. "Aren't you worried this constitutes obstruction of justice?" he asked. "No, no, I'm worried I didn't obstruct justice enough," Cartoon Trump replied. "I keep trying to obstruct, but justice keeps coming at me like an immigrant child hopped-up on nutrition — very scary."
"State of the Union is the one day of the year presidents are supposed to brag about their accomplishments, so he's been training for this, really, for his whole life," Jimmy Kimmel said on Monday's Kimmel Live. "They released the theme today — it's 'safe, strong, proud,' based on the three words he never heard from his father." Kimmel revealed that his guest after Trump's speech is Trump's alleged 2006 paramour, Stormy Daniels, then returned to Davos. Trump bragged about his crowd size in Switzerland, Kimmel sighed, and in an interview with CNBC, he made "what I think is a bombshell admission." And if you listen to it in the right way, it would be. Watch below. Peter Weber
President Trump's first international interview, with ITV's Piers Morgan, attracted 3 million viewers Sunday night, almost a million fewer than BBC News at 10, despite heavy promotion and significant news coverage. ITV's Sunday night viewership did get a bump during the Trump interview — the network normally draws 2 million viewers in the 10 p.m. slot — but Morgan interviewing his friend Trump in Davos was panned as being pretty dull. On Monday's Late Show, Stephen Colbert did his best to spice it up, asking more pointed questions, engineering Trump's answers, and cutting it down to a trim 1 minute 23 seconds. About 3.3 million people watch The Late Show every night, so it's likely more people watched Colbert's version of Morgan's interview with Trump than Morgan's actual interview. And you can watch below. Peter Weber